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by Kevin Lane
So far, 2025 has been another "quite the year" for me as most of my efforts since January have dealt with the declining health and eventual passing of my mom, the settling of her estate, helping my wife care for her elderly mom who also is in declining health, and church responsibilities that were not on my radar this time last year. Suffice it to say that photography has taken a back to all of this. I've probably shot less, developed less, and printed less this year since 2017, when I resumed using film cameras after a fifteen year lapse.
You, however, are probably thinking that my film photography hobby would have been a source of stress relief during this stressful nine months, but the reality is that it actually was the cause of stress for me. Imagine that. Something that was supposed to give me some distraction from the trials and tribulations of life was, in fact, adding to it, and in late August, the pot boiled over. I was ready to give up. I am not kidding. I was ready to walk away from film photography, sell my gear, and put an end to this podcast and blog. No joke.
It was Friday, August 25. Our community darkroom, Safelight District, where I serve as Education Director (a fancy way of saying that I teach the workshops there) was to have its monthly meetup of members and interested people. Since the meetup was at a bar located next to the darkroom, I decided to book a printing session, so that I would have some new prints to show to those who came. My plan was to 'go big' and make some 11x14" enlargements of some of my recent 4x5" negatives, although, due to reasons stated above, I hadn't really made many lately. So, after preparing the darkroom and mixing my chemistry, I set to work on a negative I shot some time ago in Dayton, Tennessee, of a coffee shop with a large Coca-Cola sign painted on the brick wall of the shop. The negative look ok - well exposed and in focus - but there wasn't anything special about it. It could have been just as well photographed with my iPhone, but here I was printing from a 4x5 sheet of film onto an 11x14 sheet of Ilford fiber based paper. None of this stuff is cheap, as you know, not to mention the cost of my Wisner 4x5 technical field camera and the Fujinon lens.
First, I made the test strip. Then I made two more, having decided to attempt spit grade printing. Next came the first work print. It looked dull and lifeless, so I tried again. It looked somewhat better, but I wasn't feeling it at all. Nevertheless, I kept at it, sheet after sheet of expensive paper, while my booked time ticked away. Finally I got a print that looked decent with the lights turned on. but as I looked it over, all I could muster was . . . "meh."
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| 11 x 14 inches of meh. I didn't even bother to flatten it. |
Why? The answer is simple. It was a picture of a brick wall with a Coca-Cola sign painted on it. Nothing less, but nothing more. While I like Coca-Cola as much as the next person, I had zero connection with the subject of this photograph, but I had spent two and a half hours trying to make something special out of it, when it wan't there to begin with. I mean, who would want this photograph hanging on their wall? Nobody I know, and not even me. Especially not me.
However, I'm not the sort who gives up easily, so I flipped through my 4x5 negative sleeves, looking for something to print. While there weren't many (see above), the ones that were there weren't much different from the one I had spent two and a half hours trying to print. "Why did I shoot these?," I asked myself.
So, I gave up on printing a 4x5 negative and pulled out a negative sleeve with the roll of 120 film I shot with my Rolleicord for the Great Film Photo Meetup earlier in August. While it was fun to meet up with all the participants for this event, some of whom I had known online for a few years but had not met in person, I did not feel especially creative that day. It was hot in Chattanooga, and the morning light was harsh. Besides, I live here and walk and photograph here often. Nevertheless, I shot a roll of Kodak Tri-X before lunch. Later when I developed the film, every frame looked well exposed and in focus. My Rolleicord did its usual great job.
However, when I looked over these negatives on the light table at Safelight District, my mood darkened even more. Here they were, twelve perfectly exposed and focused 6x6 cm frames, but not a one of them looked significant enough to print. Once again, I had no emotional connection with any of the images, and since I shot them, I had no one else to blame except me.
With only one hour left before the meetup began, I pulled out one of the two rolls of 35mm Sri-X that I shot with my Leica M2 while one my very first trip to California back in June. Debbie and I traveled with my youngest daughter and her husband, and it was a wonderful experience in every way. I managed to shoot two rolls, and they all looked good when developed. I had already made prints of a couple of frames, and I knew there other worthy images waiting. So, I go busy making prints - and here I made a conscience decision - screw the large prints. I printed on 4x6 postcard paper.
The first two prints, both interior shots of wine glasses and bottles on a table in the wine bar we had visited (and had a wonderful time together) looked exactly as I pictured them in my head when I shot them. My heart started to beat faster and my excitement grew - until I looked at my watch and saw that it was time to go to the meetup. At the end of a four hour printing session, I had two wet 4x6 prints to show for my efforts, too wet to take to the meetup. Well down, Kevin!
As I drove myself home after the meetup, I seethed. I steamed. I lectured myself loudly in the car.
"Why do you make photographs of subject that you care nothing for?"
"Why are you trying to make something when there isn't anything there to make?"
"Who do you think you are? Are you really talented enough to create something out of nothing?"
"When did forcing it become a good idea?"
And finally . . .
"You know, this used to be fun. Why isn't it fun anymore?"
It took a few days to formulate some answers to these questions, and the answers led me to the sobering conclusion. I was ruining my film photography hobby by trying to make it something it wasn't or could never be. I had set up for myself standards and goals based on unrealistic aspirations - aspirations that came from photographers whom I admired and whose work I greatly enjoyed. I wanted to be like them and make significant photographs like they did. And I can't. I'm not them.
The narrative of 'what happened next continues in UJC Podcast #85, so I won't recount it here. I really hope you will listen to Wayne and I as we discuss ways to ruin your perfectly good photography hobby and also how to repair the damage. I'm happy to report that my story has a happy ending, and you can see some first fruits of that in the photo below.
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| Little postcard prints. The fun is back! |
Here is the outline I followed in our discussion:
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| As Wayne and I were setting up our tripods, we were greeted by a nine very curious cows, all of whom were certain that we were there to feed them. |
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| My copy, which is signed by the photographer and author. |
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